9/21/26: "Return to form"

Learning moment but I learned that I have to be the kind of person I didnt want to be anymore.
Learning moment but I learned that I'm not all that different from her and I don't like that because I think she's a terrible person.
Learning moment but while I don't think I'm a terrible person outright, I am absolutely capable of being one.
Learning moment but I wonder if that's what happened to her... if she was pushed into such a mindset, the utilitarianism, the cynicism, rock bottom expectations of everyone around her, all of it.
Learning moment but this has happened one too many times

9/15/26: "flies vomit me"

noimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnotnoimnot

9/13/26: "112" (edited 9/21/26)

For what its worth, all of it could've been avoided. Completely optional event. Did not need to happen. Frankly, she wishes none of it did. She says she could've done without having to lose someone she really cares about in the end, and feel a lot of not good things she hasn't felt in awhile. "I don't wanna do this anymore". "Really awesome to have been forced into such a position" she recants. Yeah, she loves it. The problem is you have an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object, and as long as those two remain as they are, this will happen again and again. Sure she had bad ideas, but the alternatives sucked even more in her eyes. Turned uncertainties into certainties though! Just because she hates uncertainty that fucking much. Here's to memories that haunt her now. Fuck everything.

9/13/26: "Why am I still here?" (edited 9/20/26)

*inhale* It's ok, I'm ok.

I find myself questioning the value of keeping this page on my website if I'm getting increasingly more cryptic with the things I post here and won't allow myself to be free in the one space I can truly call my own.What am I so afraid of? Negative reception? I guess it would be pretty negatively received if I said I frequently experience periods where I hate absolutely everyone I surround myself with. The amount of people these feelings are not directed towards is extremely small. Feel that? It's the sharp breeze of teen angst from a 25-year old woman. Even when I say I hate everyone, no one believes me. I'm just being mean as a joke! None of you deserve such treatment, its a me thing, really. I'm not the socialite I may give the impression of being. Make room please, it feels like I am floating far from myself.

No I'm not taking my issues out on everyone else. I feel very disconnected, as if you are not of my own. Maybe I won't let myself or don't want to be. I've felt this way for awhile.

9/6/26: "Expletive-laden rant"

Mama's gonna keep this up until she stops being mad. :^)

8/21/26: "Suffering will be your teacher"

[DATA LOST]

8/12/26: "Screams from old memes"

The passionless performance of everyday mundanities is the dance with death we cannot escape.

8/6/26: "You're a fucking vampire, act like it."

I love myself too much to deny my true vampiric nature. I am what I am, no matter what pretty words I dress the ugliness in. I don't care anymore.

8/4/26: "Keep your nose clean, kid."

Everything I do is to save my own ass. I'm unusually fine with that, doing the right thing for the wrong reasons or something. I could take all the worst things I've done and write it out in a list, but I've grown and know I'm not that kind of person who would do that anymore. Every day I still breathe is another reminder. This is why I go on about the “indomitable human spirit”. I believe people can change. I have to. People aren't stagnant beings. There exists a fire inside me to prove that. Everyone has it inside them, too. Find it.
“Go, confront the problem, fight, win!” -Edna Mode

7/27/26: "Pending title"

Dumb motherfucker.

7/20/26: "Took Jesus three, took me 243"

I'm baaaack.

7/19/26: "Margins and Bargains"

Good news is, I have completed another lap around the Earth. I'm 25 now, I've been told it gets better. I hope so.

Bad news... Jesus fucking Christ where do I start?
So many questions, and all of them boil down to why?

Why would you do this? There was nothing to gain, and only everything to lose. All of this heartache, the trust destroyed not only in you, but in the idiots who continue to cast their lot with you. I hate you, I hate men.

7/11/26: "天国耳”

Yeah, sure, whatever.

5/10/26: "How did this happen?"

Hi there, Lauren here... I know its been awhile. I kinda broke my Linux install not too long after my last diary entry and I just haven't had the energy to fix it. I fixed it enough that I can update my diary entries in commandline, which is honestly kinda retro I'm digging this.

A lot has happened since November. I don't know how much I should or will say here on this extremely public facing platform :P. The only major thing to put here since last entry is that I am no longer in a relationship. "Shit happens, I fucked up, we live and we learn" is as PR-friendly a response I can give at a time like this. But to tell you the truth, I've been falling apart at the seams over the last few weeks. I'm grateful to my friends for keeping me the fuck together, for letting me tweak the fuck out in their text messages. I'm grateful to my now ex-partner for spending a year putting up with this hot mess. I'm sorry I hurt you. There's so many things I want to say that I can't. We take it one day at a time because yesterday was the hardest day and tomorrow will be easier.

There's blood in the water, the sharks smell it, they're circling now. I watch them. I've always liked sharks.

Did you know humans can smell rain in the atmosphere better than sharks can smell blood in water?

FUCK.

11/20/25: "If I said I do"

Dear internet diary, sorry its been a minute. I should start naming these entries :D

Things are looking up, am working again, saw those I love again. I'm still the longest long game champion and thinking about retiring, everythings still a mess in 1994 but thats ok I guess...

My head spins a little less these days. I don't know whats right or wrong but I'm doing the best I can. I'm changing again, overthinking again, taking the things people I trust say to heart. Lemme ask, and be honest, would you cry? Would you even care? I do. Too much.

To my dearest,

The words you tell me envelop my heart like a blanket.
lets ******** <3

9/8/25

Disillusioned.

8/31/25

This world... its enough to make anyone crazy. Thats my excuse. I'm crazy I'm fucking crazy!!

6/15/25

shhhh.

6/1/25

I hate cops I love my wife happy pride <3

5/19/25

laurenipsum went down after my account was suspended for delinquent payments due to a dumb hick who attempted to hit my site offline. I guess he kinda succeeded, albeit temporarily, but we are back. Travis, if you read this I want you to know you are the only person who I'd ever tell to kill themselves. Don't ever say that shit you said to me or my loved ones again. Please put a bullet between your eyebrows you insolent, wannabe hacker manchild. Is that clear enough or do you need me to get your precious language model to dumb it down for you.

In other news I'm taking it upon myself to bury hatchets with people I disliked strongly. I've spent the last 4 months being extremely disappointed in the people I called friends so it puts my personal issues with others into perspective. This doesn't mean I like you again and we should talk but I don't completely despise you.

I'm married now and I love my wife very much they mean the world to me and I do not feel bad for not shutting the fuck up about them like ever. I have the guts to say a lot of bullshit to them but I'll be honest I can't be sincere most of the time and say something like I love you for understanding me in a way not a lot of people do. I love you for making me laugh, I love making you laugh. When we first properly acknowledged each others' feelings I felt like I had met my match and its almost scary how similar we are in some ways. Similarities on so many levels but differences in even more and every time you surprise me with something new that I think to myself how the fuck did I find someone like you. Someone so smart, so funny, so genuine, so caring. You make me smile more than I could ever say. What can I say? I'm a slave to your love. Forgive me if I sink my fangs too deep. I'm so fucked honestly. I'd kill and die for you.




We should run away together. Lets be free.

3/17/25

Dear internet diary, its been awhile. I've lost the plot and I don't care about the things I used to and care too much about the things I didn't before.

For awhile I'd wondered which one of us was Liz and which one was the bluebird but it might be time to spread my wings. I think I love you... but in an "I will distance myself" kind of way and I don't think I can or even want to go back to how things were. I wrote songs I'll never release because of it and thats cool I guess :P

11/7/24

Mad but I won't acquiesce or relent. To anyone. I don't know how to and don't care to learn.

10/30/24

You don't have to care at all, in fact its better if you don't. She says it was inevitable what happened, we had it coming. Foretold in the stars even. Its ok though! You've made your sacrifices, and I've made mine...

so stand by and watch me explode.

10/29/24

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetur adipisicing elit. Aperiam vel alias quod molestias fuga? Officiis iusto eligendi obcaecati iste commodi quae sint voluptates ullam inventore fuga mollitia pariatur, reiciendis ea?
(this is intentional)

7/20/24

building a better future,
...maybe for her, maybe not :P

3/10/24

it was only a matter of time, we were powerless to stop it.